The Results Are In.

I finally had my blood test done. THE blood test. The same blood test that was done during my stay in the hospital 10 months ago.. and the results are in.

A little background first... The reason Darbi came early was because of early on-set preeclampsia. Most times, preeclampsia as such an early stage is often an indicator of a different or bigger problem. So the hospital perinatologists tested my blood for Antiphosopholipid Antibody Syndrome (APS). This test is a combination an anticardiolipin antibody test and a lupus anticoagulant test. When the results came back in January, I tested normal for lupus, meaning I did not have that.. which was good! But, I tested slightly positive for the other one. Because my body had a lot of crazy things going on, they thought it would be best to re-test me in April to see if the results would differ. With Darbi still in the hospital in April and then having to adjust having her home with us, I never got around to having the test done until just Wednesday.

Secretly, I'd been putting it off because of what it would mean if I really did have this syndrome.
If I tested positive again for APS, I would be at a much higher risk for blood clots, I would have to take an aspirin a day forever or give myself blood thinning shots multiple times a day, AND have a 70% chance that early on-set preeclampsia would occur again with, likely, not so wonderful results... I guess.

Basically, it would not be in my best interest, health-wise, to bear any more children. EVER. My heart just sinks in to my stomach even typing that... ugh.

If I tested negative, I would still be considered a high-risk pregnancy but I would be able to have more children! And the reason D came early would have been because it seems to be more common in first time pregnancies and I would, most likely, be able to make it to full term next time. Obviously... this was the direction I wanted to go..

So Sunday I decided it was time for me to take the plunge. I needed to have this test done. I wasn't so keen on wanting the test done but Clint and I needed to have an idea of what the repercussions would be if I were to accidentally get pregnant again. Because we're still waiting to get health insurance, I had to pay for the lab fees but it's worth it. It was nice to live in ignorance for a few months but I had to face reality. I had the test done Wednesday morning. I think I was up until 2 AM Tuesday night fretting about having it done. I was completely freaking out. With this test, everything becomes so final. Or so liberating. I was terrified. So I sucked it up and had the test done. I felt really good about it when I left the hospital lab. I didn't really think about the test until last night when I started freaking out again. I called the doctor this morning and he finally got back to me this afternoon.

I have APS. :(

He was so detailed and kind when he was unveiling the news. I have been thinking about this a lot lately so I wasn't too surprised when he told us. He also said that if I had to test positive for one, he'd rather me have this over lupus. But he also clarified what this means for me and my childbearing issues. If we decide that getting pregnant is the way to go someday, I need to meet with them before I get pregnant and we will talk about the issues at hand in greater detail to see if indeed this is the road we want to take. I would have to have blood thinning injections multiple times a day, weekly visits with the hospital's perinatology department, and mostly likely I would deliver very very early. But with a closer eye on me, maybe we could get further along in the pregnancy. However, he did say that I am at a much higher risk for multiple miscarriages, fetal growth problems, and stillborns. UGH.

The doctor called some of his colleagues up at the University hospital who specialize in APS and forwarded my file up to them.. They are putting together a registry of patients who have this syndrome and will give us some "collective wisdom" on the topic. He'll be calling me in a week or so to let me know what they say.

Clint and I have decided that we will just keep doing what we are doing.. playing with Darbi and being a simple family of 3. In a few years, if the Lord and our little babies in heaven give us a little smack in the face, we will try again. Or maybe we'll adopt. We are extremely open to both possibilities and hopefully, in time, we will have a clearer outlook on the future of our family.

We are so blessed and grateful that we were chosen to be Darbi's parents and if she is the only child we have in mortality.. I'm ok with that.